A KNICKS FAN'S GUIDE TO THE NBA FINALS

Congratulations Kevin Garnett, you finally won an NBA championship! Now what are you going to do?

“ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, MOMMMMMMAAAAAAA!”

(more on that later)

Now that we know how overhyped and overanalyzed and oversaturated with precious moments this Finals was, its time to pass out awards to those who thought they might escape the glare of primetime. No sir, it won’t happen, not under my watch!

BEST IMPERSONATION OF PHIL JACKSON AGAINST THE KNICKS

DOC RIVERS

Remind me again who has 9 rings as a coach and who, one year ago before being handed a lottery ticket of a team, was the coach of the worst team in the league and had never won a playoff series before.

Not only did Phil not figure out how to stop the simple pick and roll offense that the Celtics were running, but he could not get his players to toughen up when all the Celtics were doing were outhustling them for rebounds and help defense. Fact is, Doc Rivers had the bigger bodies and the better defense but the Lakers had the better offensive team. Its kind of hard when Pau Gasol AND Lamar Odom leave their courage at home before coming to play.

THE PATRICK EWING AWARD FOR MOST CONSISTENT SWEAT BUILDUP SO EARLY IN A PLAYOFF GAME:

KENDRICK PERKINS

Ever see this guy two minutes into a game? He probably is the only NBA player with a one man entourage, a guy with a mop following him around to clean up the mess.

THE KIKI VANDERWEGHE SURRPISE APPEARANCE AWARD IN A PLAYOFF GAME:

GLEN “BIG BABY” DAVIS

Hooray!

THE JOHN STARKS AWARD FOR BEST DEFENSE AGAINST AN ALL TIME GREAT:

JAMES POSEY

Back when the Knicks were the Knicks, they had an interesting philosophy on guarding Michael Jordan, while everyone else decided to double team him and try and make him a non factor, the Knicks decided that they would employ one guy to cover him and let him beat them (which as we found out, he could) instead of letting the rest of the team get involved in the offense. For most of this NBA Finals, they were employing help defense, until Game 6 where Posey stayed with him on screens and always had a hand in his face and made him feel uncomfortable throughout this game and every other game.

THE CHARLES OAKLEY AWARD FOR BEST INTIMIDATOR IN A PLAYOFF SERIES:

KEVIN GARNETT

This is awarded solely on reputation and nothing else. Sometimes you can walk into a room and just get everyone’s attention. Sometimes fights are about to start and then he will walk into a scrum and say “do we have a problem fellas?” and the guys just stare at him and then realize its just not worth it anymore. That’s what KG did, and he’s so nuts that he even freaked out Michelle Tafoya during the post game interview after winning the title:

Tafoya: So KG, what is your reaction to winning the championship?

KG: AAAAAAAAARGHHHH, mommmmmmmmmmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Alkdjal;aksjdl;fiy%^&*&^*(.

Tafoya: umm, ya, back to you guys upstairs

KG: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

Kg should also win the award for the single reason that no fights broke out because I’m not sure, with how KG is wired, who he would have been punching once it came to blows. I can see KG at the post game press conference after being asked why he started wildly flailing his arms and inadvertently hitting his own teammates, looking the reporter dead in the eye, removing a cigarette from his lips and nonchalantly saying “I was fighting on the only team I know how to play for: KG’s!”

THE TIM HARDAWAY AWARD FOR MOST ANNOYING ONE TRICK PONY:

EDDIE HOUSE

If there is one player I can’t stand its Eddie House. Not just because he decided to rile up the Knick bench when they played on MLK day at the Garden (a game I attended), but because the guy clearly overvalues his play on every single possession. I get upset every time I see him wildly flailing his arms and looking to the sky and beating his chest like he did something tremendous when all he did was send an outlet pass. Calm down House!

THE BEST IMPRESSION OF MJ BY A SINGLE PLAYER IN A PLAYOFF SERIES:

PAUL PIERCE

Not only did Paul elevate his status in the NBA circle several notches higher, we saw elements to his game that we rarely see in most NBA players. He played by a simple concept, either I score or my teammates score, but we are scoring on this possession. It’s a simple philosophy that Kobe had a hard time grasping. When Paul’s jumpers weren’t falling, he would drive the ball. When the defense converged on him in the paint, he would make the pass to an open teammate for an easy lay in. When Rondo was getting harassed by Kobe at the point, he volunteered to bring up the ball on every possession making sure that Kobe if he was guarding the point would have to stay on him instead of giving Kobe breathing room to guard the point and also guard the rest of the back court.

Bottom line, Pierce did whatever he needed to do to make sure that his team won, and that’s exactly what happened.

THE JOHN STARKS AWARD FOR STREAKIEST SHOOTER IN A NBA FINALS SERIES:

RAY ALLEN

Sometimes he was the spot up shooter that we always knew he could be with that silky smooth shot and sometimes he was as invisible as Casper the Ghost. Fact is, when your calling card is a shooter, you take the good with the bad. The Knicks dealt with John Starks on good days and bad days and you had to consider that the Celtics had to deal with it as well.

THE GREG ANTHONY AWARD FOR A POINT GUARD WHO WAS CONSIDERED A WEAK LINK PLAYING A CRITICAL PART ON THE TEAM:

RAJON RONDO

Nobody really gave Rondo much credit in any playoff series because of his lack of experience. But let’s be real here, other than Sam Cassell and Posey, no one really had championship experience so how they could consider that as Rondo’s biggest flaw is ridiculous. Rondo played out of his mind on the defensive end.

I came back home deep into the first quarter and as my mom was giving me the recap of what had happened thus far in the game she was giving me the sympathy speech on behalf of Rajon Rondo “he’s playing really good defense but he can’t hit a single shot.” It was the single saddest thing to watch but he was creating pressure, getting steals and dishing assists. Not bad for a guy with no experience.

THE SAM CASSELL AWARD FOR FALLING IN LOVE WITH HIMSELF AND OVERVALUING HIS SKILLS:

SAM CASSELL

I bet Sam thought he would hit a few shots start doing the jumping testicle dance he so cleverly came up with and make his value as a perennial midseason pick up for any contender go through the roof. Mission FAILED!

And now, the awards for the Lakers, this should be quick:

THE JOHN STARKS AWARD FOR FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOUR JUMPER EVEN AT THE DETRIMENT TO YOUR TEAM IN A WIN OR GO HOME GAME:

KOBE BRYANT

The guy hit four of his first five shots and was convinced every single jumper would go in. Until he went a good 20 minutes of game time without hitting a single meaningful shot. The crazy thought here is that many people were just convinced that the Lakers would win the championship and Kobe would take his place next to Jordan. Let’s face the facts here:

1. Jordan would never have blown that huge lead in game 4.
2. Jordan would have never allowed himself to be so one dimensional in a win or go home kind of game like Kobe did.
3. Jordan never allowed a team to get him out of his game no matter how tough the defense was. Also, to be fair, this Celtics team defense was good, but the Knicks teams that Jordan faced were tougher and I’m not saying it just because it’s the Knicks and I’m a nostalgic kind of guy, but because its simple fact. Here’s another fact: if Michael Jordan never existed, the Knicks would have collected atleast 2 championships.
4. THERE WILL NEVER BE ANOTHER JORDAN!

THE CHARLES SMITH AWARD FOR MOST BLOWN OPPORTUNITIES IN AND AROUND THE BASKET:

PAU GASOL

This guy’s softer than Puff’s tissues, the extra soft kind. Fact is, those people who said that it was a steal of a deal probably need to reconsider. The Celtics, like the Giants in the Super Bowl, taught the league that if you throw off a finesse team with your physicality that it’s a recipe for success.

THE ANTHONY MASON AWARD FOR MOST BLANK LOOKS ON HIS FACE DURING A TV TIMEOUT:

LAMAR ODOM

Is it just me, or did Lamar look completely star struck while playing in the Finals. For a guy that was supposed to play Pippen to Kobe’s MJ, the guy was about as troublesome as a slight itch on your leg, you reach over and you scratch it. He never used his speed against the bigger guys and he never was able to exploit his match up with guys like Leon Powe and Big Baby when they were in there.

THE PAT RILEY AWARD FOR WISHING HE WAS COACHING HIS FIRST TEAM WHILE HIS TEAM WAS LOSING:

PHIL JACKSON

Boy, having MJ in this series would have really helped huh Phil?

THE CHRIS MULLIN AWARD FOR A ONCE RELEVANT PLAYER NOW RENDERED USELESS IN A CRUCIAL PLAYOFF GAME:

DEREK FISHER

Fisher was once a credible point guard who hit big shots in the past but during this series I didn’t hear a single peep from him. The usual high arc-ing shot that he would hit regularly was rimming out. It was a sad sight to see.

Seeing Kobe and Fisher back was like seeing Axl Rose bring back Guns N Roses with all new band members, the songs were the same, but it just didn’t feel right and in the end fell flat on its face.

Congratulations to the Boston Celtics. We can at least thank them for bringing interest in the NBA back to the casual fan. The series wasn’t as competitive or exciting as a six game final would have you believe. The referee scandal hung over the finals like a bad stink. In the end, the best team in the NBA all season long came and won the title. Finally Boston won the championship because you know, they’ve waited so many years to raise banner number FREAKIN 17!!!!